New Year

So its been another year... and a lot has changed. I have friends for one! and someone i love (last year i thought love was a myth!) I have plans for the future, and goals. Not everything is better, and im not fixed, but im a heck of a lot better off than i was this time last year, in fact, the fact that im not holding a glass of wine or champagne is proof or that. I still have a long way to go, and a lot of the way is kinda scary to think about, but... I have support now, and i think i may be able to handle it, at least better than before. And maybe next year i'll be closer to fixed. I know i'll be closer to my friends. So i wish my friends a HAPPY NEW YEAR, and hope that those that need fixing come to me for support.

QAD: Have you changed this past year?

Religion-part 2

i am starting to think something is seriously wrong with the wiring in my brain. because just thinking about God sends me into a panic attack, or makes me depressed, or lonely, and its always accompanied by this pain... But i've been thinking more lately, through the pain and mental blocks and everything else. And sometimes... sometimes i feel like I'm on the brink of something, like if i take one more step the pain will go away. but other times thinking just makes things worse.So i'm still stuck, but now im trying to get unstuck... even though it hurts. its gotta be worth it in the end, right?

QOA: have you ever felt like this, or am i just that messed up?

Religion-part 1 of i dont know how many

Religion played a big role in my life when i was young. i went to privet school and said all the prayers. I did everything like i was taught and my favorite story was Noah's Ark. But then something happened... i dont know what. maybe it was that my parents got tired of the praying and such, or maybe something else happened. but for a long time i stopped believing. i think thats also when my depression first appeared. though its not so obvious for a young child. so i didnt like to play with other kids, and my grades were bad, i must have just been lazy. im sure thats what my parents thought. i remember being 3 and contemplating God and life... instead of taking a nap. yeah, i wasnt very 'normal'. by the time i was 6 i had figured out that my parents would have been happier if i didnt exist. At age 11 i was looking into other religions and finding myself fascinated. At age 14 i decided to try out Wicca, a year later i gave it up. And now i find myself drawn to one of the biggest religions out there... Except i have been raised to scorn it, to think it shameful. when i talked with my mom about looking into it she freaked out and almost forced me to stop talking to my favorite person... that was less than pleasant. I broke and bent a few rules and now have that Bible in my room, and even went to church once, though i couldn't understand a word said. And tonight i watched a sermon... One that i could understand even! And i found it interesting, and i dont know... something else, something i cant put to words, which is too bad. Basically, i liked it, but until im away from my family nothing will come of it. Ah well.
Sorry for the ramble.
Another Question: What do you think i should do?

Christmas Time

The holiday season has always been a rather difficult one for my family. We are "Jews" but we dont go to the synagogue, or pray, or follow the laws. So really we are not jews, except i am forbidden to practice any other religion, or Judaism, my parents would throw a fit if they new about the Bible in my drawer. Though when i was little i went to 'Jew School' and was extremely religious. I have started praying again, though not since the night i went to the ER for my depression. I've tried, but the words wont come to me... I guess im stuck.
My family is also fairly poor, we have been since my parents moved to America, so about 2-3 weeks before i was born. This means that presents have always been limited. It also means that i never believed in Santa. Or even knew about Christmas until i got into public school.
I also have nightmares EVERY Christmas eve, much worse than my usual nightmares, and often at least vaguely religious. I rarely remember them for more than a few minutes after waking up, but they leave me feeling like I need to do something. I remember being very young and waking up screaming one Christmas... and my mom told me "Don't be scared, tonight is a good night for many people". I didnt know what she meant by that at the time, and i doubt she even remembers it, but i do, and now i think i understand.

Unfortunately, my depression tends to get worse this time of year, and this year would be the same, but i have something to look forward to in a little over a week. I wont be getting any presents from family, but i will get to see my favorite person. And that is worth much more than some presents.

Any way, dear imaginary reader, i wish you the best, hope you have a great Christmas, and an even better one next year. oh and the QOD: What does Christmas mean to you?

So Far

Here is what has happened since i started this blog:
Depression got worse
Nightmares continued
Got my hair perma-straightened
Watched Avatar (EPIC)
More Nightmares
Getting yelled at as usual
More Depression.

As you can see, my dear imaginary reader, I don't live an overly exciting life. I dont have many friends, and those i do have live rather far away. I haven't a clue of how often i will be updating, but i'll try to do it regularly, this is probably a good form of self- therapy. I will add one odd thing about myself to each post, or maybe a question of some sort... if you chance upon my blog and read it, please respond, its only fair after all.

odd thing: i sleep with my cell phone in my hand like a teddy bear.
question: do you/have you ever slept with anything?

An intro to my head

I have Major Clinical Depression. I was diagnosed with it within months of entering high school, though i have dealt with it for as long as i can remember. I used to cut, I've tried to kill myself multiple times... Thats just the norm for me. I'm also extremely anti-social, my doctors force me to go to clubs and do group therapy and go to parties whenever they can, but i just sit in the corner, i am not afraid to state an opinion, i just... dont mesh well with the people here. so now i find myself with friends, good ones in fact. I have a 'brother' i care about more than my own blood, and several others ... i even have someone i love. but my medication doesnt work, or at least not always, and in some ways i've been getting worse. my physical health is declining too. i will probably be the first of the group to die. My sleep has never been stable but now im afraid to close my eyes at night and cant keep them open during the day... not that my nightmares go away during the day, but theres more distractions when others are awake. in the end this means that i am a danger to myself again, after not drinking or cutting for ... a while, i am once again a danger to my own health. i can help it. my depression gets worse the later it gets, and i feel so horridly lonely, even when im talking with people, unless its J, he makes the loneliness go away... until he has to go somewhere or gets too tired to talk. then im stuck depressed, afraid to sleep, and hopeless in the dark. sometimes it gets bad enough that i want to hurt myself again... that used to stop the loneliness for a while, except that would hurt J, and that is the one thing i NEVER want to do. I dont even know why im writing this other than to hold the loneliness back a bit. Will i ever be better? probably not.