I know that most people hate reading books, they just cannot find it enjoyable these days, particularly the younger generation. That made me a bit of a pariah with the other kids growing up. I started reading young, and until second grade disliked it, just like any other kid in my school. Then a guest teacher started coming in and reading to my class from a book called Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. I was hooked! But the teacher only came in once a week! I just could NOT wait that long to find out what would happen next, so for the first time in my life I asked my mom for a book. I must admit, the first time i tried to read it I got impatient and skipped to the unicorn scene... but my mom found out and made me start from the beginning, I'm very glad she did. The night i finished that book we had a small party. Within a month i had gotten my very own library card! I would get 5 or 6 books from the children's section at once and return them within a week, by the time i was 8 i was hooked on wizards and dragons and sword fights... I read through the whole children's section, reread my favorites dozens of times. I also had no friends outside of the librarians and the books. So Harry Potter and his friends, Nita and Kit from 'So you want to be a wizard' and other characters became me friends. I'd lead them on adventures to new worlds with strange creatures and dangers, and they always protected me and stayed by my side. I think I started writing down poetry and those adventures around 8 too... Though i'd tear them up afterwards, they were never as well written as the real thing.
There are days when I regret doing a lot of things... reading those books has never, and never will be among them. Without them i don't think I could have stayed sane when the few friends i ever made hurt me in various ways... I think that to a certain extent at least, I still trust books over people. Nita and Kit will always be there for me, Harry will always triumph over the bad guy, and evil will never truly win in them. Books cannot hurt me beyond a paper cut, they cannot abandon me unless I abandon them first, and even then, they will return unchanged if I want them back. People are trickier. I love my friends, my REAL friends, I just cannot expect them to stay the same, and that scares me, good thing I will always have books to hide from my fears.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
ITS AN UPDATE! THE WORLD IS ENDING!... ok... not really...
hey guys! sorry I haven't updated this thing in... a few months. Good news though: Im alive!
A lot has happened to me since my last update. I visited MO again, had a great time by the way. learned some interesting things in college, mainly archery and piano and that californians are flakey :P I joined a discipleship group, baked muffins, and generally hung out with girls from church a few times... And this week i visited the ER after sever stomach problems and fainting a few times... I'm a bit better now though.
There have been two or three big issues bugging me lately. The first is related to my college carrier, the second friendship, and the third... my salvation.
Lets start with my college carrier. Its going nowhere fast. My GPA is dismal, my total credits are few, and my funds are worse than the two combined. Truman said i shouldn't bother trying for at least another year, Huntington is too expensive, Ozarks requires better grades... Moody... i haven't checked yet, but probably all of the above. The problem is that i feel like i'm rotting away here. California is... not where i belong, and it's not where i am comfortable.
Next, friendship. It feels like i've been drifting away from some of my friends who's names may begin with R., I. and others at my church... I feel horrid about that. I feel even worse at the thought of growing apart from my BEST friend... So I made a vow or promise that that will NOT happen. I ask you to make sure of that. And i would like to get back to being close to my other friends too.
And last but FAR from least, my salvation. When i get into a rut with depression, self-hate etc. I start wondering things like 'Am I REALLY Saved, or have I just been fooling everyone, including myself, with the exception of God of course?' And that sends me into a darker place... When I fainted earlier this week I didn't think I was dying right then and there, I was afraid that i might go into a coma and THEN die though (remember i wasn't fully there...) and that scared me... was it just the thought of not saying bye to certain people? or was it my sub conscious saying 'im not ready to die, i dont want to go to hell!'? it worries and scares me.
Comments and thoughts are appreciated. ^,^
A lot has happened to me since my last update. I visited MO again, had a great time by the way. learned some interesting things in college, mainly archery and piano and that californians are flakey :P I joined a discipleship group, baked muffins, and generally hung out with girls from church a few times... And this week i visited the ER after sever stomach problems and fainting a few times... I'm a bit better now though.
There have been two or three big issues bugging me lately. The first is related to my college carrier, the second friendship, and the third... my salvation.
Lets start with my college carrier. Its going nowhere fast. My GPA is dismal, my total credits are few, and my funds are worse than the two combined. Truman said i shouldn't bother trying for at least another year, Huntington is too expensive, Ozarks requires better grades... Moody... i haven't checked yet, but probably all of the above. The problem is that i feel like i'm rotting away here. California is... not where i belong, and it's not where i am comfortable.
Next, friendship. It feels like i've been drifting away from some of my friends who's names may begin with R., I. and others at my church... I feel horrid about that. I feel even worse at the thought of growing apart from my BEST friend... So I made a vow or promise that that will NOT happen. I ask you to make sure of that. And i would like to get back to being close to my other friends too.
And last but FAR from least, my salvation. When i get into a rut with depression, self-hate etc. I start wondering things like 'Am I REALLY Saved, or have I just been fooling everyone, including myself, with the exception of God of course?' And that sends me into a darker place... When I fainted earlier this week I didn't think I was dying right then and there, I was afraid that i might go into a coma and THEN die though (remember i wasn't fully there...) and that scared me... was it just the thought of not saying bye to certain people? or was it my sub conscious saying 'im not ready to die, i dont want to go to hell!'? it worries and scares me.
Comments and thoughts are appreciated. ^,^
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