Depression in the brain

It has been a while since my last update, and there is a good chance that it will be a while longer before I update again, for that I apologize. Im writing now as a way to get out of my head, it is currently an extremely unpleasant place to be, and it is getting worse quite rapidly. There have been plenty of things that i should tell you about but I cannot think to do that now, maybe in the next update. I have been reading the Bible more often lately, but I seem to understand it less. I try to remember to pray but I often forget. It has come to my attention that I am descending into another bad bout of depression, but once again I cannot stop it, I try, I pray when i can, i read, i try to distract myself, but it all feels rather hopeless and pointless. Its as if I'm falling down a shaft made of the smoothest glass and I keep trying to grab on to something to stop or at least slow my descent, but i cannot. Maybe what I need is for someone from outside to break through the glass. As things stand I feel hopeless and scared and very pointless. I am also very tired. Insomnia and a very strange dog keep me up all night, and as I lay awake the bad, depressive thoughts and the panic seep in until they are all i can think of. This time instead of asking some silly question I ask you to pray for me, and if you can find a way to shatter that smooth glass or at least give it some cracks, please do so.

Cold Showers Should Be Made Mandatory

So today has been kinda... mixed for me. I woke up feeling like a herd of elephants had trampled over me, all i wanted to do was sleep, and my mental state was pretty crappy. The fact that my room has been in the 100s most of the day just made things worse. I've had a lot of nightmares lately, pretty much all of them have had certain central themes- 'good vs. evil', death, the end of things, pain... I think it's been affecting my mental state more than i had first thought. By mid-afternoon i had committed a few more sins than i am comfortable admitting to the internet. I ended up taking a COLD shower, the kind of cold where you have to bite back a yelp. I spent nearly an hour under that cold water and about half of the time i was praying.
I confessed my sins, I thanked God for various things (by the way, thats a GREAT way to remind yourself about the positive things in your life) and then i spent the rest of the time meditating over just how STRONG and LOVING God is. I am not good, not pure or right or lovable but this AMAZING God loves me and forgave me and cares about me. He loves me so much He sent His son to die for me, we all know that part and understand it. But what about the "small" signs of His love? He placed me in a family that loves me, with pets that love me, and AMAZING friends that love me to show me just a FRACTION of His love! I tend to not be able to comprehend even one of those people's love for me let alone all and thats negligible in comparison to God's love. So i have to believe that with all that love and with the strength of a God who can overcome ANYTHING because He created EVERYTHING behind me i think I'll eventually be able to overcome my sins and my other issues. The biggest or at least most constant of these would be self- hate, i cant find a good argument for me hating myself if God made me in His image, He made me to be beautiful, for a purpose, and HE LOVES ME. Now i just have to find a way to remember all that for the rest of my life...

QOD: (been a while since i had one) any suggestions for how i can remember?

The Magic of Books

I know that most people hate reading books, they just cannot find it enjoyable these days, particularly the younger generation. That made me a bit of a pariah with the other kids growing up. I started reading young, and until second grade disliked it, just like any other kid in my school. Then a guest teacher started coming in and reading to my class from a book called Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. I was hooked! But the teacher only came in once a week! I just could NOT wait that long to find out what would happen next, so for the first time in my life I asked my mom for a book. I must admit, the first time i tried to read it I got impatient and skipped to the unicorn scene... but my mom found out and made me start from the beginning, I'm very glad she did. The night i finished that book we had a small party. Within a month i had gotten my very own library card! I would get 5 or 6 books from the children's section at once and return them within a week, by the time i was 8 i was hooked on wizards and dragons and sword fights... I read through the whole children's section, reread my favorites dozens of times. I also had no friends outside of the librarians and the books. So Harry Potter and his friends, Nita and Kit from 'So you want to be a wizard' and other characters became me friends. I'd lead them on adventures to new worlds with strange creatures and dangers, and they always protected me and stayed by my side. I think I started writing down poetry and those adventures around 8 too... Though i'd tear them up afterwards, they were never as well written as the real thing.

There are days when I regret doing a lot of things... reading those books has never, and never will be among them. Without them i don't think I could have stayed sane when the few friends i ever made hurt me in various ways... I think that to a certain extent at least, I still trust books over people. Nita and Kit will always be there for me, Harry will always triumph over the bad guy, and evil will never truly win in them. Books cannot hurt me beyond a paper cut, they cannot abandon me unless I abandon them first, and even then, they will return unchanged if I want them back. People are trickier. I love my friends, my REAL friends, I just cannot expect them to stay the same, and that scares me, good thing I will always have books to hide from my fears.

ITS AN UPDATE! THE WORLD IS ENDING!... ok... not really...

hey guys! sorry I haven't updated this thing in... a few months. Good news though: Im alive!

A lot has happened to me since my last update. I visited MO again, had a great time by the way. learned some interesting things in college, mainly archery and piano and that californians are flakey :P I joined a discipleship group, baked muffins, and generally hung out with girls from church a few times... And this week i visited the ER after sever stomach problems and fainting a few times... I'm a bit better now though.

There have been two or three big issues bugging me lately. The first is related to my college carrier, the second friendship, and the third... my salvation.

Lets start with my college carrier. Its going nowhere fast. My GPA is dismal, my total credits are few, and my funds are worse than the two combined. Truman said i shouldn't bother trying for at least another year, Huntington is too expensive, Ozarks requires better grades... Moody... i haven't checked yet, but probably all of the above. The problem is that i feel like i'm rotting away here. California is... not where i belong, and it's not where i am comfortable.

Next, friendship. It feels like i've been drifting away from some of my friends who's names may begin with R., I. and others at my church... I feel horrid about that. I feel even worse at the thought of growing apart from my BEST friend... So I made a vow or promise that that will NOT happen. I ask you to make sure of that. And i would like to get back to being close to my other friends too.

And last but FAR from least, my salvation. When i get into a rut with depression, self-hate etc. I start wondering things like 'Am I REALLY Saved, or have I just been fooling everyone, including myself, with the exception of God of course?' And that sends me into a darker place... When I fainted earlier this week I didn't think I was dying right then and there, I was afraid that i might go into a coma and THEN die though (remember i wasn't fully there...) and that scared me... was it just the thought of not saying bye to certain people? or was it my sub conscious saying 'im not ready to die, i dont want to go to hell!'? it worries and scares me.



Comments and thoughts are appreciated. ^,^