Self-Hate (warning: very... self-hating?)

Have you ever felt horrifying, monstrous, vile? Like some part of you, or maybe all of you is corrupt? I guess to some extent most of us feel this way at least once in our lives... I seem to feel it most of the time, or at least it used to be most of the time. Now it's only when I'm under a lot of stress, doesn't matter what kind of stress. It also happens if I let myself think too much. Unfortunately I'm currently stressed and thinking too much...

Things wrong with myself: I'm unattractive. I'm lazy. I'm weak willed. I'm socially awkward beyond 'normal' levels. I'm thinking about this way too much and could name a dozen more but don't want to bore you.

I should do something to snap myself out of this state of mind but I cant. Ah Well.

Happy Birthday me! now go act perfect in a corner and don't do anything anyone might disagree with!

Hey all, its been a while since I've done this... sorry about that. Anyway....
Happy Birthday to me, I'm now a legal adult. How the heck did this happen and why didn't someone try to stop it? :P Ah well, it's after midnight and therefor too late to change the inevitable. Today is also the 9th anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. My dad still says the CIA did it. >,> Either way, I'm having a rather bad birthday. First there was the fire on the 9th, then one of my oldest friends decides i'm a bad friend for not saying "yes, you are right, you are always right! :D" and later today i get to pretend to be perfect for my relatives, hide my religion, and generally take on a completely different persona. I don't drink, they find that odd enough as is... if they know I believe in God they would disown me probably...

The good parts of my birthday are the presents from friends, and a certain letter from a particular friend... ^,^

I'm probably the only person that has wished they could skip their Bday since they were 9.... yay for being different! :P



QOD: What are your favorite and least favorite parts about your bday?

Fears (lots of rambling and silly stupidity on my part)

Most people with anxiety are said to fall into one of two central fear categories: Fear of Death and Fear of Humiliation. Fear of death has only been a problem for me once, during the period after i met my best friend but before i got saved, and i wasn't afraid to die because of myself, i just was afraid i'd die without getting a chance to say bye... As for fear of humiliation... i dont think i fit exactly into it... maybe im wrong :p
At the moment i'm writing this i can only think of two things I'm truly afraid of. The first is the people im close to dying before getting saved, and the second is losing my best friend.
I guess its obvious why im afraid of the first thing, i dont want anyone i care about going to hell... it scares me to think about what it means for them.

As for losing my best friend... Its not that i'm trying to be clingy or want him all to myself, i know better than to think that would be possible or a good idea. I just... love him so much, and i know our relationship will change over time, and im ok with that, as long as i can still think of him as my best friend, along with any other title he may or may not have some day. I am afraid he'll stop feeling for me as i know he does now, i'm ok with the changes to those emotions that comes with time, because they are still there that way, i just cant bare the thought of what we have now completely going away. Lately i end up thinking about that while we talk on the phone and before bed... I must admit i tend to end up crying, though its the quiet type of crying... i wonder if he notices...

I know the first fear is a lot more realistic than the second one as things stand right now, but its the second one that gets to me every night... Just goes to show that i can be pretty stupid sometimes.
Note: i had to stop a few times while writing this, i was crying to much :P
QOD: What's your fear?

How my mind works now part 1 of... no idea

Its funny how my brain works. I can spend the whole day feeling like there is no point to my existence, and generally being negative, but show me someone who feels the same or similar and I will spend hours giving them proof that they are wrong, and usually I can get them to admit im right. Here’s the thing though, these days I’ll end up proving the point to myself as well, so while I’m helping someone else I’m also helping myself, this is new. The reason for this change? I give my proof from the bible, so my proof HAS to apply to me too.
Its funny, the way my brain works has done a complete 180 at some point between a year ago and now. It used to be that I’d come out of a conversation in which I was trying to help someone and I’d be feeling worse than dirt, now I feel like I’m doing something right, like I’ve found what I’m supposed to do, and doing it makes me happy.
An example would be last night. I had had a mini break down and was feeling rather crappy. Then I started talking with a friend and found out that she was feeling a lot of negative things in relation to her relationship with God. She felt that she had gone astray and that this was far from the first time, and she felt that she had to hide her religion from others because she had a sense of being judged for it, at one point she said “I am Romeo, I have denounced my Father and renounced my name”. But the thing is she wanted to get back to God, she just felt unworthy, and that maybe she would be rejected after having rejected Him so many times. I told her that she is less of a Romeo and more like the Prodigal Son. I then went on to tell her the story and explain what it meant in relationship to her. I also addressed her feelings of being judged by others by reminding her of Luke 21:17-19, and gave her an example of myself, of how my own mother calls me ‘traitor’ for following Jesus. In the end she admitted that what I said made sense, and we both felt much better.

"Love your neighbors as yourself"

"Love your neighbors as yourself"

The ultimate challenge is Love
It's always Love in the end
Do you believe in God's love for you?
That He LOVES you enough to sacrifice His Son
What about your neighbors?
Your enemies?
Can you Love?
Can you BE Loved?
Can you Love your enemies?

"Love your neighbors as yourself"

Love has always been a challenge
I have seen so much pain because of it...
My problem has never been with Loving my 'neighbors', in some ways, its worse
I have never Loved myself,
You could even say I have Hated myself.

But now i see that I CANNOT.
I cannot become close to God with self hate
God is Love
To be close to Him, or anyone really, I must Love myself
It is a hard fight.
I may not win each battle, but the war is mine
With God's help, and my friends', Love will win.

Im learning to Love myself as my neighbors.


QOD: thoughts? comments?

Thoughts on my depression

So i've been feeling more depressed lately, i'm putting it down to the fact that i have been sick lately. the problem is that i just spent half an hour mentaly going over my usual signs of getting dangerously depressed, as well as how i tend to handle it. Very badly as it turns out.

NOTICE: I tend to make sweets more when im getting dangerously depressed. The bulk of the time when i was hurting myself i made this horrifyingly sweet dish where i fried apples, bananas, graham crackers, and almonds in honey rather than oil, then i put it into a bowl and topped it with Nuttela. My theory is that this is my way of /slowly/ killing myself, or maybe it just makes for a good distraction...

Second notice: No worries, i haven't cut myself in at least a year, probably longer.

I remember the first time someone figured out i was cutting. It was maybe a month into 9th grade and very hot. At that time i cut myself on my left leg, just above the heel. I came into my 3rd period class (biology) and sat down, the guy next to me noticed something odd- i had a red stain on the back of my black and white fake converse. He didnt tell any adults, instead he gave me the nickname "Gothmo" (goth/emo.) I think i wish he had told someone instead.

I really wish i weren't depressed. im tired of it. i sometimes imagine it is like a cancer or parasite, growing and eating at me,sometimes hiding to give me false hope, causing me pain from the inside that i cant describe...

And i'm stuck arent i? It's a constant pain again, and the regular distractions arent helping... And my hands smell like vanilla extract even though i finished baking the cookies an hour ago.

QOD: eh...

Lets Play Catch Up!

So. A lot has happened in a very short period of time, and its left me so tired.It's hard to believe its still May. A brief summary of the past few weeks: one of my best friends has been ignoring me, my parents found out about my plans to move, lots of school stress, grandmother in law is dead/dying.
And now to go into detail on how i feel about it all.
I'm really hurt that one of my best friends is ignoring me. He calls me his sister, but i dont find out about his latest breakup OR that he is back in the US from him, instead i find out with the help of Facebook. That hurt, it hurt even more when he completely ignored my message asking him to call me... :/

My parents and the move... oh boy. Hours of crying, and arguing and general unpleasantness. Now i hope to be in MO within 3-4 years... this makes me feel kinda stupid, and alone, and at times hopeless. And i know i shouldnt feel that way, but i do and that just adds another layer of feeling stupid.

School stress, well thats mostly finals and all the extra essays and papers i need to do by monday morning.

As for the death of a sorta relative... I cant say we were close, we arent even related by blood after all. But she was nice, and i had known her, i'd been to her home, eaten her cooking, used her restroom... odd things to remember a person by, but really, all i know is she was nice and she helped raise my cousins. So i'll remember her by her cooking, and her home, and her niceness, and others can remember her by her favorite things and her hobbies and such.

I guess these past few weeks have been painful in a way, and very very tiring. Emotionally and mentally i'm pretty much out of strength, i need to recharge, i wish i could spend the summer or at least a week or two in MO... I could use a real hug or 10. Im actually so bad of emotionally/mentally that the very thought of getting a real hug makes me cry... And you people claim i'm SANE.

QOD: Any advice?

QOD crazy edition: What is a spork-knife's favorite color?

A look back

A lot has happened recently and in this past year... I got to meet and become friends with some extremely awesome people. I also started and ended a friendship... I moved yet again, got a new niece, and even got pulled on 72 hour hold... So much has happened this past year,but a few things stick out the most: meeting aly, and my two favorite people, graduating early, fighting with aly, the hospital, ninja kiss, january 4th-9th, january 12th, certain fights with my mom, movie nights... This past year has been a tough one, but there are so many ways in which it was worth it.

So much has happened in a year, but not much has changed from the outside perspective. We are all still doing the things we did last year for the most part. We may have changed to the point of being a very very different person in our heads, but to the outside world we look the same. We work, and study, and play just as we always have. To the outside world we are all the same, slow to change, predictable, similar. Good thing the outside is a lie.


QOD:do you think you've changed in the eyes of the outside world?

Happy hyper HI!

First thing's first. I am Happy. I am hopeful, i am for once in my life optimistic. My day may be going badly, but im hyper and almost giddy. I had nightmares and slept badly, but im still happy, my weekend will be full of frustration, anger, and emotional hurt, but im still HAPPY. And i havent been keeping up with my meds as well as i should be...but im still in a good frame of mind. I blame the usual suspects.

QAD: What's up? :D

QAD insane edition: What exactly is the purpose of a rubber duck in the mesurment of a square pie?

Odd Things Go Woosh In The Night (some religion, much drama, and a good dose of emotional instability)

Today started off with much grumbling and several death glares. I am not, nor have i ever been, a morning person. Then there was the DMV test, i missed it by 2 points... i'll study a bit before next week's retake. I got home, walked the dog, felt depressed about failing the test, worried about classes, worried a lot about the move, napped, etc. Then around 23:00 i 'exorcised' on the Wii... managed to hurt myself with the 'rhythm boxing', so far so normal. And then i walked the dog.

Thats pretty much average all in all. Except for the second dog walk. Everything about it was normal, up until i got about a block from my house. At that point i thought i had finally gone completely insane. It felt like every moment of depression, loneliness, emotional pain i had ever felt, all that awfulness had been gathered into one giant wall of pure, horrid mental anguish (colorful words aside, thats really the only way i can describe it.) It didn't come on slowly, there was zero build up, one moment i was fine, the next i was nowhere near it. It took all my effort to just stand there, to not cry or scream or fall over. All i could do was stand there and pray. I honestly don't know how long i stood there like that, probably a few minutes, if that. I don't know why that happened. All i know is what got me out of it. I was praying, and suddenly i felt better, the wind was blowing from the east, and everything was ok again, better than ok.

QOD: What do you think happened?

QOD2: Do ya think im crazy yet?

QOD Insane Edition: Fifteen hipogriphs walk into the Eiffel Tower and become giant mockingbirds with a fetish for purple nail polish. (Ask steph for details)

Boring rant on childhood and the past... PINEAPPLES!

I've been thinking a lot about my childhood lately. I know that sounds odd coming from someone who is not even old enough to buy cigarettes, but its true none the less. Mostly i've been going over minuet details, those things that never seem important until you look back at them years later and see the Big picture. Things like how when my parents and i moved to Orange County (when i was 5) i had let go of my favorite toy (a dark brown teddy bear almost as big as i had been) long enough to help my mom unpack the new plates and glasses, how when i dropped and broke one of them i was so afraid of my mom that i ran into the walk in closet several rooms away, locked the door and cried for a good hour. Or the time when i learned the word 'adopted' and its meaning, how i spent months thinking before i asked if i had been adopted, and the odd disappointment i felt when shown my birth certificate. I remember my excitement at getting a BRAND NEW PlayStation for my birthday, and how i'd had trouble not crying when my mom told me that we couldn't afford it and returned it the next day. I also remember when i finally got a puppy, how happy i was, how i couldn't believe something i had dreamed of for so long had finally happened... that night i had nightmares because i knew i'd have to pay a price for something so wonderful.

All in all i cant say my childhood was a happy one, but it wasn't awful. I may not have had the best life so far, but it could have been a lot worse. Heck, i could have stayed dead when my heart stopped as a baby, or i could have been killed in the house fire, or in a car accident... But i wasn't, I'm still here, i have a purpose, even though i don't really know what it is.

I guess what i'm saying is that no matter what was in your past or what small mistakes you make along the way, you still mater, everyone matters, everyone has a future, the past has some affect on it but you dont have to make it the only factor.

Make your life stand out. Live as fully as you can. Don't let the past hold you back.


QOD: Do my crazy ramblings have an affect on you or are you just here for the free dose of crazy?
PINEAPPLES!
QOD (the crazies version): I like the taste of red letters made of 1s and 0s.

An Apology, A rant, a fixed mistake, and some questions... some religion (you have been warned :P)

Dear few readers,
sorry i havent updated in a while... i could blame it on my depression, which has been worse lately, or sleep deprivation, or my parents... i could blame it on lots of things, instead i will just say 'sorry' and i will try my hardest not to do it again, or at least warn you... or something. today started off like most days in this house, with my parents being loud. which would have been fine if i could close my door or if i werent sleep deprived. speaking of sleep deprivation, thats probably the main reason i have been so depressed lately... well that and my mom, and the fact that i dont always remember to take my meds and i now have new meds which may or may not hinder my treatment. i do have some good news, i finaly got my mom to let me go to church... well i say I but i dont think i had much to do with it. either way, i cant wait until sunday, although i also cant help but worry. but back to the depression, today was particularly bad, i went through phases of near manic, twitchy actions and harmful thoughts. one minute i was walking from room to room trying to find something to do, the next i was stuck to the couch or the bed or a chair unable to make myself get up and get tea or make food or do laundry... the migraine didnt help matters either. I did end up watching a NewSpring church podcast, and am writing this just after having finished that. i realize now that i have been depressed for another reason. God has been trying to tell me something, and instead of listening i have been shutting my ears and pushing away, because the message was one i had both been hopeing for and fearing. But now that i realized this, and just how stupid it is, i think things will improve, one way or another.

QOD1: Have you ever made this sort of mistake?

QOD2: How do my posts affect you (if they do)?

Contemplations and Tea

*sip* ah... good evening or morning, or afternoon... you know what, good day. there. *sip* now, first thing first, i'm very sorry for the long break between blogs, but between school and my parents i just havent had much time... *sip* and now on to the actual post:

My mom makes me doubt God. Nothing and nobody else can, just her. I mean i know and still believe... its just that there is a part of me that suddenly finds it all... wrong, like im doing something dirty or 'evil' by believing. and i /KNOW/ that thats not true, but knowledge doesn't help. *sip* i still end up depressed and panicky and at my breaking point. *sip* And my head ends up feeling like a battle ground... well my head and my... heart? i dont know, just something... Its a very unpleasant feeling, but its one that happens more often than it should. *big sip* i had thought that the hole ordeal of my mother finding my Bible and the arguments and all would end it, or at least make it happen less often. no luck, quite the opposite really. so i pray and i read and i hope. *sip* maybe things will be better once i dont have to interact with my mom as much.


*sip* next, money. I dont have much, my parents have less. this is a problem. its a common one these days unfortunately. also, i cant seem to get a job. another common problem. so now my parents are borowing whats left of my bday money and the little money i make off of selling my stuff, books and my only leather jacket. *sip* and i've stopped buying books... stopped shooting (one of the few things that really relieves me of stress for any given time) this is an even bigger waste of my money, since i payed for my fathers membership... ah well. things would be better if only my mom would stop impulse buying... not that thats likely to happen any time soon.

*sip* and now, the future. i i found an apartment in washmo for $385 a month, plus most of the utilities. its only a few min. from everything i really hope i can get it, and that its not a scam... but chances are it is a scam, or it is already taken or will be well before september... ah well... as for jobs... maybe a pizza place will be hiring in the near future, after all everyone still eats pizza, no matter how poor they get.

*several long sips* and now for the question of the day: so, who likes pineapples?

Religion- part... 3?

the past two days have been extremely unpleasant. The constant panic attacks and the emotional turmoil have not been easy to deal with, especially when you add in sleep deprivation, sickness, and my parents. The panic attacks are what started it all though. The first one on Sunday was the worst EVER. It felt like i was dying, and i confess, my thoughts were the wrong ones. To add to that it made me think (when i had calmed down) of my very first panic attack, which happened on my 15th birthday, at 2am on a cruise ship. That was my worst panic attack up until now. And the way i dealt with it was by giving in and drinking half a bottle of champagne later that day. That was a mistake. It was a very bad mistake, and i hope to never make it again. the problem is, these past two days it has felt like a particularly violent battle was going on inside me. half of me was being tempted to make another mistake... and the other half was saying 'no. its not going to happen. temptation WILL NOT win. not this time' and i gotta say, it /hurts/, but its worth it in the end.

I just finished watching yet another podcast... only to find that i cant answer the pastor's question. (what is the idol in your heart?) and im left wondering, is it because i dont have one, or are there too many of them to name, and if either is the case... what does /that/ mean? And what should i do?


Q: any ideas?

The Letter My Mom MUST Get

Dear mom,
I love you very much. But you make it very hard for me not to hate you, because you are emotionally abusive. There, i finally admitted it. You yell constantly, blame me for everything, call me names, threaten me, and tell me i'm a horrid daughter. You make me do chores even when i'm sick and yell at me more during those. you claim i don't love you and when i stand up for myself you make me look like the bad guy. All that is emotional abuse, and i know you won't admit to it, heck you probably don't even realize it, but i want you to know that /i/ know, that /i/ finally admit that that is what it is. And i want you to know that no matter what i may do/have done, i will always love you... and i forgive you. that may not mean much to you, especially since you will probably use this letter as evidence of just how horrid of a daughter i am, but well... i still want you to know.

love,
your only daughter.


(this letter should be delivered to my mother upon my leaving the house either at the age of 18 or upon death... whichever comes first)

A Young Woman's Story

I was watching a podcast a few min ago when i got an urge to write, more specifically i got the urge to write about the story of a young woman that i got a chance to hear about during my speech class.

this woman was born with a rare condition that caused blood vessels to swell into a clump the size of a golf ball in her brain. she was born to an average family in japan, and she was born during a time when there wasnt much hope for her ever having a normal life. but when she was only a few months old her family came to america to get an operation done for her. they couldnt have payed for the trip let alone the treatment on their own, luckily, they were not alone. the small church this woman's family went to at the time collected ALL the money to pay for the trip and treatment. when the doctors here heard of this they were so moved they classified the procedure as experimental and did it for FREE. in the end the young woman was left with one working arm and imperfect hearing, but she outlived the expectations the doctors had originally and is now employed in japan's government, she is healthy and happy and still goes to church.

i heared about this woman a few weeks ago and something about her story was so... inspiring, and hopeful... i thought i'd share it with you.

Q: What does her story make you feel?

The Trip

Ok... so i should have posted this much sooner, but i am forgetful, sorry!

This trip was something i had been looking forward to for months now, and the wait was worth it. it was an amazing week. I got to spend time with my boy, and meet the people he cares about. I got to hang out with the coolest guy in Dutzo (or however its spelled) too, and i even met the infamous Rusty. It was an amazing week and i wish it hadnt ended. My only consilation there is that i get to move there in less than a year.

A few of the more memorable moments of the trip: (not in any order)
the awkwardness of the first day
a proper dinner with the family
SAMMY!
the mustard bomb :P
being very 'special' in public
SNOW (first dislike and then the realization that its still pretty)
the awkward fail kiss at Best Buy
every single hug and every kiss really
my first and only Christmas present
the river full of ice
the general sense of actually belonging
being happy


And of course coming home was not fun after all that, mostly because it involved a lot of crying and lack of sleep and general depression. But it was worth it.

Q: what would you say was your most memorable part of the trip? (since all my readers were there) :P

Saved... no, not the movie

this post will probably be just random thoughts, so im sorry if its boring... a few min. ago i was lying in bed, trying not to think when a word popped into my head "saved". And i suddenly felt... how did i feel? how do i feel? happy? relieved? free? unburdened? i havent a clue how to describe it. just that its better than before. And i thought something, would have said it if i were sure of being alone in the house. i bet you cant guess what i thought :P well... actually you probably can >.> im not that hard to figure out, and besides, what would /you/ say/think in this situation? (heads up, thats the question of the post) well... i thought "Thank you God." and i meant it... not a normal occurrence in this house hold. of course my next thought was to call my boy and discuss this event... until i noticed the time. and my next thought after that: i must write. and so i did/am.


well... that was probably completely pointless, but i had to write this all down... dont forget to answer my question!

poem from the airport (please dont laugh!)

I dont want to go
i dont want to leave you
and be alone again

i dont want to go
i dont want the pain
to begin again

i dont want to go
i dont want to leave
the first place i'd call home

i dont want to go
i dont want to leave you here
and be alone again

i dont want to go
to leave your warm embrace
without you im lost and alone

i dont want to go
i cant leave this place
i need you near

I dont want to go }
i dont want to leave you here } X 2
and be alone again }

Loneliness Creeping Up

Its always there
at the edge
the loneliness
its waiting for me

sometimes it creeps
slowly through the day
so i cant even tell
until its too late

sometimes it rushes me
takes me down fast
and i cant even fight back
cant call out for help

Its aways there
its in my head
the loneliness
its eating me



I cant seem to shake it lately, i'm lonely. but i dont want to be around my mom or dad... i want to be with my friends. And i cant be. So at night the loneliness gets worse and worse, it creeps into everything i do or think about... it makes me weak and afraid.

QAD: how do you deal with being lonely?

A Letter My Mom Will Never Recieve

Dear Mama,
The first thing i have to remind you is that no matter what, i love you, its programed into me to love you. You have given me plenty of THINGS over the years as a way of showing you care. And im grateful, really, i just wish that you had used other methods.

I will admit you rarely hit me, not hard anyway. And you never 'neglected' me, but you did hurt, do hurt me, and will probably continue to do so in years to come. I doubt you even know you are doing it. You just have a temper and I tend to be the target, not of fists or thrown objects, no in some ways much worse, im the target of your emotions, of your voice, of your depression (which you either claim doesnt exist or blame my father and i for.) I cannot predict you, one minute everything seems fine, and the next im struggling to not cry as you lash out with those words. Stupid, useless, lazy, slow, ugly... so many more, many of which i refuse to even try to translate into this language. I've tried to calm you down, or walk away until you cooled off, but that always made things worse. I hope you realise now, I wont stand for it a minute longer than i must. which is another reason this new year will be great. I am moving out, as soon as im legaly able. I know where im going, i have a plan, i will visit you and papa, i just cant live with you, not under the same roof, or in the same town, or even this state, i need to get away. I hope that one day you will understand and forgive me for it.

Love,
Hanna