*sip* ah... good evening or morning, or afternoon... you know what, good day. there. *sip* now, first thing first, i'm very sorry for the long break between blogs, but between school and my parents i just havent had much time... *sip* and now on to the actual post:
My mom makes me doubt God. Nothing and nobody else can, just her. I mean i know and still believe... its just that there is a part of me that suddenly finds it all... wrong, like im doing something dirty or 'evil' by believing. and i /KNOW/ that thats not true, but knowledge doesn't help. *sip* i still end up depressed and panicky and at my breaking point. *sip* And my head ends up feeling like a battle ground... well my head and my... heart? i dont know, just something... Its a very unpleasant feeling, but its one that happens more often than it should. *big sip* i had thought that the hole ordeal of my mother finding my Bible and the arguments and all would end it, or at least make it happen less often. no luck, quite the opposite really. so i pray and i read and i hope. *sip* maybe things will be better once i dont have to interact with my mom as much.
*sip* next, money. I dont have much, my parents have less. this is a problem. its a common one these days unfortunately. also, i cant seem to get a job. another common problem. so now my parents are borowing whats left of my bday money and the little money i make off of selling my stuff, books and my only leather jacket. *sip* and i've stopped buying books... stopped shooting (one of the few things that really relieves me of stress for any given time) this is an even bigger waste of my money, since i payed for my fathers membership... ah well. things would be better if only my mom would stop impulse buying... not that thats likely to happen any time soon.
*sip* and now, the future. i i found an apartment in washmo for $385 a month, plus most of the utilities. its only a few min. from everything i really hope i can get it, and that its not a scam... but chances are it is a scam, or it is already taken or will be well before september... ah well... as for jobs... maybe a pizza place will be hiring in the near future, after all everyone still eats pizza, no matter how poor they get.
*several long sips* and now for the question of the day: so, who likes pineapples?
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Religion- part... 3?
the past two days have been extremely unpleasant. The constant panic attacks and the emotional turmoil have not been easy to deal with, especially when you add in sleep deprivation, sickness, and my parents. The panic attacks are what started it all though. The first one on Sunday was the worst EVER. It felt like i was dying, and i confess, my thoughts were the wrong ones. To add to that it made me think (when i had calmed down) of my very first panic attack, which happened on my 15th birthday, at 2am on a cruise ship. That was my worst panic attack up until now. And the way i dealt with it was by giving in and drinking half a bottle of champagne later that day. That was a mistake. It was a very bad mistake, and i hope to never make it again. the problem is, these past two days it has felt like a particularly violent battle was going on inside me. half of me was being tempted to make another mistake... and the other half was saying 'no. its not going to happen. temptation WILL NOT win. not this time' and i gotta say, it /hurts/, but its worth it in the end.
I just finished watching yet another podcast... only to find that i cant answer the pastor's question. (what is the idol in your heart?) and im left wondering, is it because i dont have one, or are there too many of them to name, and if either is the case... what does /that/ mean? And what should i do?
Q: any ideas?
I just finished watching yet another podcast... only to find that i cant answer the pastor's question. (what is the idol in your heart?) and im left wondering, is it because i dont have one, or are there too many of them to name, and if either is the case... what does /that/ mean? And what should i do?
Q: any ideas?
Sunday, January 17, 2010
The Letter My Mom MUST Get
Dear mom,
I love you very much. But you make it very hard for me not to hate you, because you are emotionally abusive. There, i finally admitted it. You yell constantly, blame me for everything, call me names, threaten me, and tell me i'm a horrid daughter. You make me do chores even when i'm sick and yell at me more during those. you claim i don't love you and when i stand up for myself you make me look like the bad guy. All that is emotional abuse, and i know you won't admit to it, heck you probably don't even realize it, but i want you to know that /i/ know, that /i/ finally admit that that is what it is. And i want you to know that no matter what i may do/have done, i will always love you... and i forgive you. that may not mean much to you, especially since you will probably use this letter as evidence of just how horrid of a daughter i am, but well... i still want you to know.
love,
your only daughter.
(this letter should be delivered to my mother upon my leaving the house either at the age of 18 or upon death... whichever comes first)
I love you very much. But you make it very hard for me not to hate you, because you are emotionally abusive. There, i finally admitted it. You yell constantly, blame me for everything, call me names, threaten me, and tell me i'm a horrid daughter. You make me do chores even when i'm sick and yell at me more during those. you claim i don't love you and when i stand up for myself you make me look like the bad guy. All that is emotional abuse, and i know you won't admit to it, heck you probably don't even realize it, but i want you to know that /i/ know, that /i/ finally admit that that is what it is. And i want you to know that no matter what i may do/have done, i will always love you... and i forgive you. that may not mean much to you, especially since you will probably use this letter as evidence of just how horrid of a daughter i am, but well... i still want you to know.
love,
your only daughter.
(this letter should be delivered to my mother upon my leaving the house either at the age of 18 or upon death... whichever comes first)
Friday, January 15, 2010
A Young Woman's Story
I was watching a podcast a few min ago when i got an urge to write, more specifically i got the urge to write about the story of a young woman that i got a chance to hear about during my speech class.
this woman was born with a rare condition that caused blood vessels to swell into a clump the size of a golf ball in her brain. she was born to an average family in japan, and she was born during a time when there wasnt much hope for her ever having a normal life. but when she was only a few months old her family came to america to get an operation done for her. they couldnt have payed for the trip let alone the treatment on their own, luckily, they were not alone. the small church this woman's family went to at the time collected ALL the money to pay for the trip and treatment. when the doctors here heard of this they were so moved they classified the procedure as experimental and did it for FREE. in the end the young woman was left with one working arm and imperfect hearing, but she outlived the expectations the doctors had originally and is now employed in japan's government, she is healthy and happy and still goes to church.
i heared about this woman a few weeks ago and something about her story was so... inspiring, and hopeful... i thought i'd share it with you.
Q: What does her story make you feel?
this woman was born with a rare condition that caused blood vessels to swell into a clump the size of a golf ball in her brain. she was born to an average family in japan, and she was born during a time when there wasnt much hope for her ever having a normal life. but when she was only a few months old her family came to america to get an operation done for her. they couldnt have payed for the trip let alone the treatment on their own, luckily, they were not alone. the small church this woman's family went to at the time collected ALL the money to pay for the trip and treatment. when the doctors here heard of this they were so moved they classified the procedure as experimental and did it for FREE. in the end the young woman was left with one working arm and imperfect hearing, but she outlived the expectations the doctors had originally and is now employed in japan's government, she is healthy and happy and still goes to church.
i heared about this woman a few weeks ago and something about her story was so... inspiring, and hopeful... i thought i'd share it with you.
Q: What does her story make you feel?
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
The Trip
Ok... so i should have posted this much sooner, but i am forgetful, sorry!
This trip was something i had been looking forward to for months now, and the wait was worth it. it was an amazing week. I got to spend time with my boy, and meet the people he cares about. I got to hang out with the coolest guy in Dutzo (or however its spelled) too, and i even met the infamous Rusty. It was an amazing week and i wish it hadnt ended. My only consilation there is that i get to move there in less than a year.
A few of the more memorable moments of the trip: (not in any order)
the awkwardness of the first day
a proper dinner with the family
SAMMY!
the mustard bomb :P
being very 'special' in public
SNOW (first dislike and then the realization that its still pretty)
the awkward fail kiss at Best Buy
every single hug and every kiss really
my first and only Christmas present
the river full of ice
the general sense of actually belonging
being happy
And of course coming home was not fun after all that, mostly because it involved a lot of crying and lack of sleep and general depression. But it was worth it.
Q: what would you say was your most memorable part of the trip? (since all my readers were there) :P
This trip was something i had been looking forward to for months now, and the wait was worth it. it was an amazing week. I got to spend time with my boy, and meet the people he cares about. I got to hang out with the coolest guy in Dutzo (or however its spelled) too, and i even met the infamous Rusty. It was an amazing week and i wish it hadnt ended. My only consilation there is that i get to move there in less than a year.
A few of the more memorable moments of the trip: (not in any order)
the awkwardness of the first day
a proper dinner with the family
SAMMY!
the mustard bomb :P
being very 'special' in public
SNOW (first dislike and then the realization that its still pretty)
the awkward fail kiss at Best Buy
every single hug and every kiss really
my first and only Christmas present
the river full of ice
the general sense of actually belonging
being happy
And of course coming home was not fun after all that, mostly because it involved a lot of crying and lack of sleep and general depression. But it was worth it.
Q: what would you say was your most memorable part of the trip? (since all my readers were there) :P
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Saved... no, not the movie
this post will probably be just random thoughts, so im sorry if its boring... a few min. ago i was lying in bed, trying not to think when a word popped into my head "saved". And i suddenly felt... how did i feel? how do i feel? happy? relieved? free? unburdened? i havent a clue how to describe it. just that its better than before. And i thought something, would have said it if i were sure of being alone in the house. i bet you cant guess what i thought :P well... actually you probably can >.> im not that hard to figure out, and besides, what would /you/ say/think in this situation? (heads up, thats the question of the post) well... i thought "Thank you God." and i meant it... not a normal occurrence in this house hold. of course my next thought was to call my boy and discuss this event... until i noticed the time. and my next thought after that: i must write. and so i did/am.
well... that was probably completely pointless, but i had to write this all down... dont forget to answer my question!
well... that was probably completely pointless, but i had to write this all down... dont forget to answer my question!
Saturday, January 9, 2010
poem from the airport (please dont laugh!)
I dont want to go
i dont want to leave you
and be alone again
i dont want to go
i dont want the pain
to begin again
i dont want to go
i dont want to leave
the first place i'd call home
i dont want to go
i dont want to leave you here
and be alone again
i dont want to go
to leave your warm embrace
without you im lost and alone
i dont want to go
i cant leave this place
i need you near
I dont want to go }
i dont want to leave you here } X 2
and be alone again }
i dont want to leave you
and be alone again
i dont want to go
i dont want the pain
to begin again
i dont want to go
i dont want to leave
the first place i'd call home
i dont want to go
i dont want to leave you here
and be alone again
i dont want to go
to leave your warm embrace
without you im lost and alone
i dont want to go
i cant leave this place
i need you near
I dont want to go }
i dont want to leave you here } X 2
and be alone again }
Friday, January 1, 2010
Loneliness Creeping Up
Its always there
at the edge
the loneliness
its waiting for me
sometimes it creeps
slowly through the day
so i cant even tell
until its too late
sometimes it rushes me
takes me down fast
and i cant even fight back
cant call out for help
Its aways there
its in my head
the loneliness
its eating me
I cant seem to shake it lately, i'm lonely. but i dont want to be around my mom or dad... i want to be with my friends. And i cant be. So at night the loneliness gets worse and worse, it creeps into everything i do or think about... it makes me weak and afraid.
QAD: how do you deal with being lonely?
at the edge
the loneliness
its waiting for me
sometimes it creeps
slowly through the day
so i cant even tell
until its too late
sometimes it rushes me
takes me down fast
and i cant even fight back
cant call out for help
Its aways there
its in my head
the loneliness
its eating me
I cant seem to shake it lately, i'm lonely. but i dont want to be around my mom or dad... i want to be with my friends. And i cant be. So at night the loneliness gets worse and worse, it creeps into everything i do or think about... it makes me weak and afraid.
QAD: how do you deal with being lonely?
A Letter My Mom Will Never Recieve
Dear Mama,
The first thing i have to remind you is that no matter what, i love you, its programed into me to love you. You have given me plenty of THINGS over the years as a way of showing you care. And im grateful, really, i just wish that you had used other methods.
I will admit you rarely hit me, not hard anyway. And you never 'neglected' me, but you did hurt, do hurt me, and will probably continue to do so in years to come. I doubt you even know you are doing it. You just have a temper and I tend to be the target, not of fists or thrown objects, no in some ways much worse, im the target of your emotions, of your voice, of your depression (which you either claim doesnt exist or blame my father and i for.) I cannot predict you, one minute everything seems fine, and the next im struggling to not cry as you lash out with those words. Stupid, useless, lazy, slow, ugly... so many more, many of which i refuse to even try to translate into this language. I've tried to calm you down, or walk away until you cooled off, but that always made things worse. I hope you realise now, I wont stand for it a minute longer than i must. which is another reason this new year will be great. I am moving out, as soon as im legaly able. I know where im going, i have a plan, i will visit you and papa, i just cant live with you, not under the same roof, or in the same town, or even this state, i need to get away. I hope that one day you will understand and forgive me for it.
Love,
Hanna
The first thing i have to remind you is that no matter what, i love you, its programed into me to love you. You have given me plenty of THINGS over the years as a way of showing you care. And im grateful, really, i just wish that you had used other methods.
I will admit you rarely hit me, not hard anyway. And you never 'neglected' me, but you did hurt, do hurt me, and will probably continue to do so in years to come. I doubt you even know you are doing it. You just have a temper and I tend to be the target, not of fists or thrown objects, no in some ways much worse, im the target of your emotions, of your voice, of your depression (which you either claim doesnt exist or blame my father and i for.) I cannot predict you, one minute everything seems fine, and the next im struggling to not cry as you lash out with those words. Stupid, useless, lazy, slow, ugly... so many more, many of which i refuse to even try to translate into this language. I've tried to calm you down, or walk away until you cooled off, but that always made things worse. I hope you realise now, I wont stand for it a minute longer than i must. which is another reason this new year will be great. I am moving out, as soon as im legaly able. I know where im going, i have a plan, i will visit you and papa, i just cant live with you, not under the same roof, or in the same town, or even this state, i need to get away. I hope that one day you will understand and forgive me for it.
Love,
Hanna
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