An intro to my head

I have Major Clinical Depression. I was diagnosed with it within months of entering high school, though i have dealt with it for as long as i can remember. I used to cut, I've tried to kill myself multiple times... Thats just the norm for me. I'm also extremely anti-social, my doctors force me to go to clubs and do group therapy and go to parties whenever they can, but i just sit in the corner, i am not afraid to state an opinion, i just... dont mesh well with the people here. so now i find myself with friends, good ones in fact. I have a 'brother' i care about more than my own blood, and several others ... i even have someone i love. but my medication doesnt work, or at least not always, and in some ways i've been getting worse. my physical health is declining too. i will probably be the first of the group to die. My sleep has never been stable but now im afraid to close my eyes at night and cant keep them open during the day... not that my nightmares go away during the day, but theres more distractions when others are awake. in the end this means that i am a danger to myself again, after not drinking or cutting for ... a while, i am once again a danger to my own health. i can help it. my depression gets worse the later it gets, and i feel so horridly lonely, even when im talking with people, unless its J, he makes the loneliness go away... until he has to go somewhere or gets too tired to talk. then im stuck depressed, afraid to sleep, and hopeless in the dark. sometimes it gets bad enough that i want to hurt myself again... that used to stop the loneliness for a while, except that would hurt J, and that is the one thing i NEVER want to do. I dont even know why im writing this other than to hold the loneliness back a bit. Will i ever be better? probably not.