Contemplations and Tea

*sip* ah... good evening or morning, or afternoon... you know what, good day. there. *sip* now, first thing first, i'm very sorry for the long break between blogs, but between school and my parents i just havent had much time... *sip* and now on to the actual post:

My mom makes me doubt God. Nothing and nobody else can, just her. I mean i know and still believe... its just that there is a part of me that suddenly finds it all... wrong, like im doing something dirty or 'evil' by believing. and i /KNOW/ that thats not true, but knowledge doesn't help. *sip* i still end up depressed and panicky and at my breaking point. *sip* And my head ends up feeling like a battle ground... well my head and my... heart? i dont know, just something... Its a very unpleasant feeling, but its one that happens more often than it should. *big sip* i had thought that the hole ordeal of my mother finding my Bible and the arguments and all would end it, or at least make it happen less often. no luck, quite the opposite really. so i pray and i read and i hope. *sip* maybe things will be better once i dont have to interact with my mom as much.


*sip* next, money. I dont have much, my parents have less. this is a problem. its a common one these days unfortunately. also, i cant seem to get a job. another common problem. so now my parents are borowing whats left of my bday money and the little money i make off of selling my stuff, books and my only leather jacket. *sip* and i've stopped buying books... stopped shooting (one of the few things that really relieves me of stress for any given time) this is an even bigger waste of my money, since i payed for my fathers membership... ah well. things would be better if only my mom would stop impulse buying... not that thats likely to happen any time soon.

*sip* and now, the future. i i found an apartment in washmo for $385 a month, plus most of the utilities. its only a few min. from everything i really hope i can get it, and that its not a scam... but chances are it is a scam, or it is already taken or will be well before september... ah well... as for jobs... maybe a pizza place will be hiring in the near future, after all everyone still eats pizza, no matter how poor they get.

*several long sips* and now for the question of the day: so, who likes pineapples?